I am wired.
I am weird.
I am both. Permanently. But I suppress the first one completely and play the second one down.
Being me will kill me one day. I’ll implode. Something will one day attack my body. Or my brain will short circuit. Or something large will fall on me from a great height.
If you were me, where would you have put my sunglasses?
Andy Kaufman’s facial and physical comedy is out of this world. What a dancer. He’d have been wonderful in a glorious, lavish musical. But in his era that magic was gone. He went massively undervalued and poorly employed in terms of what Hollywood could have done with him.
Then he was gone.
Unhinged. That’s the only word I can think of that describes me tonight. But not in any particularly unpleasant way. More like Dudley Moore, as Arthur, blind drunk at the start of the movie.
“I fell out of the car!”
As far as priorities, I want to clear my debts, as always. But I also want to document the entirety of my family history in a format where people can access it in the future. Or it’s all gone. I’m the only one left.
And I want to paint and write. Every. Day.
And run. Tire myself out. Sleep well. Eat better.
I miss Enid. I need her. It’s no fun feeling unhinged without her. Well, nowhere near as much fun. I enjoy being me. I’m funny. I know funny. I can’t imagine not knowing all the funny stuff I know. Poor everyone else. It can be lonely though. Apart from with Enid, who just accepts it all and immerses herself gleefully.
Laughing with her is experiencing love and joy on a level beyond my descriptive capability. Her name means “purity and hope” in ancient Welsh. A powerful force for good.
These things happen for a reason.
Life is not affirmed for me when I sit about doing nothing. Which I do. Often.
Life IS affirmed for me when I accomplish something. Doing. I’m a doer. Alas, one of the things I do, to myself, is deny myself. Stop myself from doing anything. Hurt and depress myself.
I still get loads done. Not much of it counting towards the accepted social expectations of “earning a living”, etc., I don’t fit into that sphere at all and never have. I have contempt for it. I’m unemployable and happy with that. I dislike the conventions we are all supposed to adhere to. I detest them.