I had annoying dreams I couldn’t escape from.

What about?



I went to a gig or something with my mate.

Afterwards we stayed over at his mum and dad’s and my daughter was there.

I slept in his mum and dad’s bed as they were away, but the psoriasis on my body and my scalp bled all over the sheets.

Then my mum turned up and started throwing pound coins and 20p pieces at me and saying I owed her money. So I gave them all back, but she threw them at me again and they somehow ended up inside the duvet cover.

I was trying to get up but kept nodding off. I just wanted to go home and get a shower.

In the end I had a shower there in the en suite which had a bath in it that was about 10 feet long. I somehow accidentally broke the blinds on the bathroom window and then got some of my mate’s mum’s clothing which was lying on the floor tangled round my foot and couldn’t get it off.

It turned out my mate had slept in a space he’d found under the floorboards.

My daughter was pottering about refusing to get dressed and I kept falling back to sleep.

Eventually my mate’s mum and dad got home and were wondering what the fuck was going on.

We eventually left by train. Steam engine actually.


We were waved off by a load of railway staff who were all Irish and were singing and cheering. Dressed in green leprechaun style outfits.

Our train pulled away.

Another one approached and derailed. We jumped off to help and it turned out it was a model railway so we carefully put it all back together and walked off.

Then my daughter and her mum and I were walking home (to the house I grew up in, which was demolished in real life about 25 years ago).

Three really huge, odd-looking people were walking with us, also a mum, dad and daughter.

It turned out they were what whales turn into when they come on land and were trying to find a suitable spot to get back in the water.

The road was flooded ahead of us. The flooding had knocked down part of a stone wall, the other side of which was the open sea and I thought if they got in the water there, they’d be ok to swim off.


That dad whale person tried it and was fine. He quickly turned into a Blue Whale, splashed his tail and swam out a bit then did a big whale jump to encourage his family to join them.

They followed him and it turned out they were Orcas. It was amazing. Loads more whale people turned up and were all Orcas. Leaping and splashing in front of us. I’ve always wanted to see Orcas in the wild.

Then we were back at my mate’s again and I was having an argument with his mum about what a prawn is. Or a shrimp. Or a langoustine. I had a sink full of them. They stank. I had them all on my fingers like little puppets.

And I kept finding loose change everywhere.

Also, the house was badly in need of rewiring. The lights kept going on and off.


You did ask.

In analysing the above:

I do owe my mum money.
I do have bad psoriasis. Ta, skin.
I was messing about with the change jar by the front door the other day.
I’m always thinking about how much I’d love to see Orcas in the wild.
I watched Paddington 2 with the mad steam train chase at the end a couple of times recently.
With my 8-year-old daughter. Honest
I’ve stripped and varnished a few wooden floors in the past year or two, the detail on the floorboards my mate lifted up to get into the space underneath to sleep in, in the dream, was stunning.
And I just hand-painted a garden gnome.
Which might explain the leprechaun outfits bit.
Or I’m just a bad racist.

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